I started this blog because I wanted to have one place where I could be totally honest. I assumed I would start from the beginning and follow the whole sordid tale chronologically, but . . . now I am not so sure.
Over the years, several people have said “gee, you should write all this down” and I have always demurred, noting that it would not be wise to write about things I will NEVER tell my husband. Now that I have started, though, something else is going on. It feels like too much work to put things into words.
My first affair was HUGE at the time. It was a whirlwind romance, sweet and poignant, a watershed, and blogging about it back then would probably have helped me sort things out. Contemplating it from 4 years later, my perspective is very different. In many ways I wish I had never gone down this oh-so-complicated road. But I did, and the road lead me into erotica, , web porn, chat rooms, BDSM, anonymous hook ups, Craigslist, more essentially anonymous hook ups, coming out as kinky to my husband, exploring kink and swinger communities with my husband, several deeper relationships (with men and women), on-going affairs and hook ups my spouse is not aware of, and eventually becoming a sex worker.
Except for all the deception, my marriage is worlds better than it was in 2009. I am able to love and enjoy my husband for who he is instead of resent him for who he is not. I am easier to live with because I know myself better, am more at ease with myself and others, and do not feel trapped. I am here, married because I want to be, not because I can’t think of options or because it is what is expected.
Oh — I said “except for the deception” but that is not exactly accurate. I have lied to my husband since our wedding night — about what I liked, what I needed, who I was, and who he was to me. Now all I lie about is who I have sex with and how I am paying for tuition.
If I continue to write the chronology, we will eventually get to the moment when I realized I could a) leave, b) stay and be miserable, or c) stay and be happy. I opted to stay and be happy, even if that meant deceiving my Dear Husband. And now I feel a little stuck. I want to be married to my husband AND I want to have ethical romantic and sexual relationships with other people. I am not going to back up and disclose to my DH the things I have been doing; that would just be mean. But I am finally to the place where I want to be who I am (poly) without all the lies. I will always be the person who cheated – but I do not want to always be a person who is cheating. Someday that may mean ‘keeping myself only onto him’ but right now, that is not the solution I am looking for.
Did any of that make sense???
writingthebody
February 22, 2013 at 6:16 pm
You and I are in exactly the same place….my blog is at its core about my own deception on the one hand, and my attempt to be ethical on the other. There is an ongoing seam of misery in this, as the revelation of deception would damage everything that I value at home, and the people I love – just awful. Yet I need to be beaten and when I am being beaten one of the things I get punished for in my mind is this very deception…..if that makes sense. You are my first fellow traveller in this regard, one who has made the blog for this reason (though I did not quite know that until a few weeks in). I also want my blog to not just be about my masochism, but to be about other parts of me – one reason I do not want to come out in public as a masochist is that this is not all I am…it is only part of it, even if it colours everything that I am.
So from the bottom of my heart, I wish you well on this terrible journey of meaning, of love, of risk, of potential loss fo everything that we are sharing. I also wonder at the sanity of me having a blog where I try to tell the real truth….and even here it slides from me at times, though I really am trying!
With all my love and best wishes for your blog…..
Ceilia
February 23, 2013 at 10:57 am
All this lying is exhausting!!! I have friends who are saying ‘you’ve got it pretty good, don’t rock the boat’ and others saying ‘it’s about time you joined the rest of us, learning to live within the boundaries of decent society.’
Reading blogs from straying and betrayed spouses, and even some ‘other women’, I can see so clearly what THEY need to do — even while I know in my bones why they don’t — and it pushes me to think about my own choices, character, and commitments.
I am relieved to have your company on this bumpy road. I look forward to visiting your blog!
writingthebody
February 23, 2013 at 5:30 pm
Dear Ceilia
I had this conversation some years ago where we skirted around this kind of issue, both agreeing that what she called the 1980s fashion of telling all, of revealing all feelings, was damaging and bad. That is factually true.
But fact and feeling are different, and it would be wifful of me to read into that that it gives me license to do what I am doing. It did not. But it comes down in the end to a kind of personal ontology – a need, in order to exist. It helps me deal with ongoing awful feelings inside, and it helps me if I am physically punished, if that makes sense. And that is not even talking about the gratification it gives me. For me now, it is completely non sexual, all about psychology and/or punishment depending on who I am with. Some time ago, my partner also said to me after watching a masochist talking in that servile way with his domme that she never wanted to see me on screen in public in that way. Again though, that is not the same as permission to do whatever I like….so it is a tough journey…..
writingthebody
February 24, 2013 at 2:30 am
Dear Ceilia – I have nominated you for the Very Inspiring Blogger award….we are truly fellow travellers I think. The details at http://writingthebody.wordpress.com/.
Ceilia
February 26, 2013 at 4:18 pm
I have no idea what that means or what to do about it. Help !
writingthebody
February 27, 2013 at 7:43 am
Dear Ceilia
it means that I love your blog and am inspired by it. You can choose to disregard it, or you can pass it on to another 7 people yourself. You can paste the image into a post of your own saying you have been given the award, and in that post indicate who you want yourself to nominate. It is just a nice way of saying which blogs you like!
You also are asked to say 7 things about yourself that you have not said yet…..and I would love to see those! Take a look at mine for a clue!