I started this blog because I wanted to have one place where I could be totally honest. I assumed I would start from the beginning and follow the whole sordid tale chronologically, but . . . now I am not so sure.
Over the years, several people have said “gee, you should write all this down” and I have always demurred, noting that it would not be wise to write about things I will NEVER tell my husband. Now that I have started, though, something else is going on. It feels like too much work to put things into words.
My first affair was HUGE at the time. It was a whirlwind romance, sweet and poignant, a watershed, and blogging about it back then would probably have helped me sort things out. Contemplating it from 4 years later, my perspective is very different. In many ways I wish I had never gone down this oh-so-complicated road. But I did, and the road lead me into erotica, , web porn, chat rooms, BDSM, anonymous hook ups, Craigslist, more essentially anonymous hook ups, coming out as kinky to my husband, exploring kink and swinger communities with my husband, several deeper relationships (with men and women), on-going affairs and hook ups my spouse is not aware of, and eventually becoming a sex worker.
Except for all the deception, my marriage is worlds better than it was in 2009. I am able to love and enjoy my husband for who he is instead of resent him for who he is not. I am easier to live with because I know myself better, am more at ease with myself and others, and do not feel trapped. I am here, married because I want to be, not because I can’t think of options or because it is what is expected.
Oh — I said “except for the deception” but that is not exactly accurate. I have lied to my husband since our wedding night — about what I liked, what I needed, who I was, and who he was to me. Now all I lie about is who I have sex with and how I am paying for tuition.
If I continue to write the chronology, we will eventually get to the moment when I realized I could a) leave, b) stay and be miserable, or c) stay and be happy. I opted to stay and be happy, even if that meant deceiving my Dear Husband. And now I feel a little stuck. I want to be married to my husband AND I want to have ethical romantic and sexual relationships with other people. I am not going to back up and disclose to my DH the things I have been doing; that would just be mean. But I am finally to the place where I want to be who I am (poly) without all the lies. I will always be the person who cheated – but I do not want to always be a person who is cheating. Someday that may mean ‘keeping myself only onto him’ but right now, that is not the solution I am looking for.
Did any of that make sense???